I remember reading an article that a woman had written about keeping her bedroom, the room she shared with her spouse, kid-free. I remember thinking “how hard can it be?” Now I wonder “why bother?”

When Duc first came home I thought I should keep a space for myself, as if I would lose myself as a woman if I let him take over my space. Before he came home I used to worry about forgetting him in the car or leaving him at daycare after getting off of work.

Funny thing is, I didn’t lose myself in motherhood. I gave myself up freely. And I haven’t left him in the car or forgotten him anywhere. I’m happy when I am with him and I miss him when he is gone. He has left his dirty fingerprints all over my house and all over my soul. He is the best medicine I could have ever hoped for.

Yesterday I didn’t get off work until 7 am when I was supposed to get off at 3 am. I hadn’t slept in over 24hrs, and this was after several nights of fitful sleep. When I finally woke up yesterday I felt like hell. I was beyond grumpy and my whole body hurt. Mom returned Duc around 4:30 pm and the little things began to upset me to the point that I actually thought I was going to cry. I excused myself so I could spend a couple of minutes of quiet time in my room. I looked around my bedroom and the evidence of him was everywhere. A clean sock stuck to my bedspread (I had found it stuck to my butt on the inside of my pants the day before), a pacifier on the floor, a wayward toy tucked into one of my shoes and within a few minutes I heard a little giggle and a rustling at the door.

He wasn’t trying to make me feel better. He just did. And I don’t mind the little fingerprints or the trail of toddler debris that he left throughout my room.

And on his 500th day…

Duc discovered the word NO.  To be clear, this is actually his impersonation of a kid in his daycare class.  It absolutely cracks me up!

 

And a little video tutorial and how we say NO.

Miss you

I miss my baby.  I have to work tonight and I obviously couldn’t leave my baby unattended or take him to work with me for a couple of hours (daylight savings time is a real bear) so Oma and Opa have him for the night and most of tomorrow.  It feels odd to be in our home—a home that he fills up with his presence.  It feels strangely empty in here.  I don’t think I have have been home when he hasn’t also been here.

We didn’t have the opportunity to trick or treat tonight, but Duc did dress up! 

He is a dragon…or a dinosaur.  I can’t quite figure it out. 

I love that dimple. 

Even a dragon/dinosaur needs a lift every once in a while.

Boy Joy

Growing up if you had asked me if I had wanted to have boys or girls I would have told you, two girls and one boy. As a woman I can’t help but desire to have a daughter. I look forward to tea parties with dolls, hair braiding and tutus. Oh, how I want to see tutus! Why one boy? Why not? I don’t have any brothers and we didn’t live close to my male cousins. Boys were (and still mostly are) completely foreign to me, but I am learning. I am not one of the women that my mother frequently laments about hating my own gender and wanting only boys. Personally, I have never understood how a woman wouldn’t want to have a daughter.

But I have learned a lot about boys in the last year, well, at least this boy. I know all his tickle spots and I know that if I look at him just right he will begin to giggle uncontrollably. I know that when he gives me a particular impish smile I know he is about to do something extremely naughty and extremely funny. Tonight he laid on the couch, head in my lap as I caressed his head. I knew he was almost asleep. I could feel his body relax and his breathing began to slow. Until I began to giggle and his little head began to bounce up and down on my round belly. I couldn’t help myself, I was just so tickled and a few seconds later Duc began laughing too. He rolled his little head back so he could look at my face while he laughed, but he laughed. And the beauty of it brought tears to my eyes and we laughed some more.

While Duc and I bonded and attached surprisingly easy and fast, I have noticed a change in the last few weeks. It seems deeper and more intimate. A few years ago I used to dream of the day when I had a son or daughter that would lay the length of my body as we sat on the couch and played or rested. Since Duc and I have both been under the weather lately we have had much more couch time. He has developed a few new games while we lay here coughing. But in the last hour of the day he crawls up into my lap and lays his head in my lap or against my arm and we just enjoy being close. The little boy that was too busy for hugs now enjoys a long hug and the promise of a kiss-kiss. And last week while wrestling he feel asleep in the crook of my legs and I remembered the dream that I once had. The moment had finally arrived and it was incredible.

These days I don’t fear boys. In fact, when a friend called me this morning to share her good news I wished her a boy.

Life Is Good

The picture says it all.

Sometimes the stress of the daily grind overwhelms to the point that I fail to recognize the severity of its impact. Some days my head feels light and my stomach feels tight and the only good time of my day is the time I spend with my son.

So, Duc and I enjoyed our first family vacation in the Smoky Mountains. I didn’t have internet access while I was there and I rarely had cellular service which is why I opted to turn off my phone on our second day. To be honest, this was a very good thing even if I will be catching up on emails for weeks. The last time I had the opportunity to spend this much quality time with my son was when I was still on maternity leave and that was over six months ago!

So we stopped time, left town and enjoyed each other. Enjoyed being with my sister and her family, my parents. Enjoyed being away from bills and work and reality.

Ah, life is good. And now we are back feeling semi-rested (Duc does not sleep well away from home) after relaxing for a week.

See you next year mountains!

Moon

There you sit so high up in the sky

Your glaring brilliance illuminating only those things that wish to be seen. The shadows are still shadows and the night is still night.

Were you there on that night when he slipped into darkness and drew his first breath? I think you were.

Did you stand as a silent witness as the faceless one crept up those dark steps with a bundle in a towel? I think you were.

Did you feel the anguish or the pain, or perhaps, relief as she worked in darkness? Did she linger at the gates with a heavy heart and wait for some sign that all was well or did she skip away free to return to life as she knew it?

Did she send a silent prayer in your direction asking for blessings on the life she bore?

Did you see us last night, our heads bent together in a quiet whisper as I carried him into bed? Did you see us as I tilted our faces, one dark, one pale towards your glowing face in remembrance of that first moon we shared?

Did you feel the warmth of our love—she who created him from all the best she had and the one that loves and molds him with the best she has.

I think you did.

Aiden’s photos

Kelli and Aiden came down a few weeks ago for a little photo shoot and time for the boys to play.  I’ve been a bit slow to put these up, but I wanted Kelli to finally have a sneak peak.  I sent her an email right after the shoot with a few of my favorite shots, but I know she wouldn’t want me to display the one photo even though I absolutely LOVE it.  It’s a beautiful one of her and Aiden.  And flowers.  It’s beautiful, but I’ll let her decide if she wants to display it on her blog. 

  I love this photo.  You have no idea how hard we had to work to get him to sit in the tree and look directly at the camera! 

I LOVE this photo.  I don’t know why…something about the way he turned in one of his feet.  Or maybe it is the stars on his pants.  Whatever it is, I think it is absolutely precious.  I’ve been trying to get this shot of Duc for FOR-EVER and I still don’t have it.  But Aiden does. 

The light was amazing and the expression on his face is absolutely precious and innocent.  I would frame this and place it on the mantle with Duc’s photos, but I think he would get jealous.  Ahhh, beautiful.

I couldn’t resist posting this one.  Just look at the motion and the pure joy on his face.  When was the last time any of us remember the joy of just moving?  When did running ever make us this happy? 

 

Kelli, sorry about the delay, but I hope it was worth it!  I had a blast chasing him around and thank GOD Duc slept through all of it!